Unique Considerations for Interfaith Parents

This article has been reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily

According to the traditional Jewish movements (Orthodox and Conservative), a child is not Jewish unless he or she has a Jewish mother.

According to the progressive Jewish movements (Reform and Reconstructionist), a child with only one Jewish parent--either mother or father--is Jewish as long as the child is raised to identify as Jewish. Holding a bris or simchat bat for your infant can be the first step to raising the child Jewish.

Most mohels are Orthodox and therefore abide by the traditional definition of a Jewish child. In many cases they will agree to perform a circumcision for a mother who is not Jewish with the understanding that the child will later be immersed in a ritual bath (mikvah) to be converted to Judaism. If the father is not Jewish but the mother is, the mohel will skip the Hebrew line from the traditional brit ceremony where the father delegates his responsibility to circumcise the child to the mohel.

Mohels trained in the Reform tradition will perform a brit milah for children of interfaith parents without the expectation of further steps to conversion.

Generally speaking, mohels are quite accommodating to the needs of parents, so if you would like to have a grandmother or relative who is not Jewish to be involved in the ceremony, don't be afraid to include them. In rare cases a very traditional Orthodox mohel may insist that the sandek, the man who holds the baby, be Jewish.

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When Mr. Right Hates Israel

From The Seesaw in The Jewish Daily Forward

Can I Marry an Anti-Zionist?

I am an unmarried 32- year-old woman who is very ready to settle down and have kids. At the beginning of this year I met a really great guy. I am okay with his non-Jewishness because it will not interfere with my Jewishness or my kids’ Jewishness. I am not okay with his politics on Israel, which he calls an apartheid state. I tell him he hasn’t read enough, but he says the military occupation, settlements and large numbers of Palestinians who have died are all he needs to know. I am a Zionist, my father was born in Israel, and I am wondering if this should be a dealbreaker, or if that is ridiculous and I should just get over it.

Red Flags Only Get Redder

HAROLD BERMAN: In the midst of an otherwise satisfying relationship, many find it easier to overlook red flags, hoping they will go away. But red flags only get redder, and you are wise to be addressing them now. First, you don’t know that his “non-Jewishness … will not interfere with” your or your future children’s Jewishness. Although there are certainly examples of relatively tension-free interfaith marriages, many otherwise strong interfaith relationships still must labor hard through myriad issues that aren’t apparent before the wedding. What you envision is not a sure thing.

What is a sure thing, however, is that your boyfriend’s attitudes toward Israel will have an impact, likely adverse, on any long-term relationship you develop with him. I write this as three Israeli boys were just found brutally murdered by Palestinians, and groups like the Presbyterian Church have expressed much the same attitude toward Israel as your boyfriend. As someone who calls Israel home, and who every single day interacts with Palestinians at close range, I can say unequivocally that your boyfriend doesn’t have the facts.

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My New Girlfriend Is Way Too Enthusiastic About Judaism

The Seesaw is a new kind of advice column in which a a broad range of columnists will address the real life issues faced by interfaith couples and families. Join the discussion by commenting on this post, sharing it on Facebook or following the Forward on Twitter. And keep the questions coming. You can email your quandaries, which will remain anonymous, to: seesaw@forward.com

My Non-Jewish Partner is Too Enthusiastic About Judaism

Hi Seesaw. I am six months into a same-sex relationship with a woman and I can imagine settling down with this one. One issue though, and I know this sounds strange: she is a little too enthusiastic about Judaism. I am very happy that she is excited about my Jewish identity and raising our possible children Jewish, but it bothers me when she acts like she really “gets” being Jewish because she is a lesbian and therefore a minority who has suffered too. Not all outsider identities are the same and I feel like she cheapens Judaism by believing so. So, how do I make her feel welcome in my Jewish world while also helping her understand that she doesn’t totally get it?

I Think I’d Feel the Same

LAUREL SNYDER:
 This is so tricky, but I think I’d feel the same in this situation. Judaism is a complex identity/idea/history/culture, and what her immediate excitement suggests is that she doesn’t perceive the complexity. So my best advice is that you share it with her.

As you say, you don’t want to push her away. It’s wonderful that she’s willing to learn about your background, raise Jewish kids, etc. But Judaism isn’t just a minority status with candles and wine. Judaism can also be boring, exclusive, dogmatic, politically problematic, or violent. Loving Judaism means understanding all the layers of the onion. Loving despite, not just because.

When my husband and I married, I remember that he did some serious reading. He picked up a range of books, from As a Driven Leaf to the Alter translation of the Torah. That was great for me, because it showed me he was serious about understanding Judaism, and creating his own relationship to it, whether or not he ever converted. Over the years, we’ve watched Jewish movies together, visited museums, argued about Israel in the news, and struggled with how to answer our kids’ questions about faith/death/afterlife. It’s not always easy, but it’s honest.

I think that kind of dialogue has to be rooted in actual information. I think if your partner’s going to embrace your culture, she’ll need to embrace it warts and all. So I think books might be a great starting point for you guys. As well as a very Jewish tool.

Laurel Snyder is the author of books like “Bigger than a Bread Box” and “Baxter, the Pig Who Wanted To Be Kosher.” Find her online at laurelsnyder.com or on Twitter @laurelsnyder.

Israeli Life: Mothers

By Leora Eren Frucht for Hadassah Magazine

They were an odd couple, these two middle-aged women—one in a black hijab and ankle-length dress, the other in tight-fitting jeans and colorful T-shirt—standing there in the middle of the room, locked in a tight embrace.

Later on, several people would point to that moment as the most jolting and unforgettable scene of the afternoon in Jaffa.

None of them could have been more astonished than I—the
woman in the jeans and colorful T-shirt.

I had gone to Jaffa that day with several other members of my Reform congregation in Modi’in to meet Muslim families from the town of Jaljulya in an effort to get to know each other. A simple act, but one that flies in the face of the growing alienation and animosity between Jews and Arabs in Israel today.

Over the course of the year, a mob of Jewish teenagers beat up an Arab youth, leaving him unconscious on the Ben Yehuda pedestrian mall in Jerusalem; an Arab woman on a shiva visit to the capital was stoned by a group of yeshiva students. There had been other violent assaults, hateful graffiti, slashed tires, even calls by municipal chief rabbis not to rent homes to Arabs.

Some might ascribe these acts to a handful of extremists, but I knew that this climate affected more than just the lunatic fringe. When my son was in fifth grade, his class went on a school trip to Jaffa, a mixed city of Jews and Arabs. There, his Jewish classmates had run down the street yelling hysterically when they saw an Arab woman, with her head covered, walking in their direction. “Terrorist!” some had shouted.

That is one of the downsides of living in a middle-class suburban community like Modi’in where everyone looks more or less like you. At best, Jews here—and in many other parts of the country—never get a chance to meet Arabs and, at worst, they fear and dread them.

I did not want my children to grow up to be like those on the school trip, so I jumped at the chance to join Neighbors Encounter, a project initiated by Stanley Ringler, an American-born Reform rabbi who lives in Israel. His idea was enthusiastically adopted by YOZMA, the Reform congregation in Modi’in.

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Jews and Christians: The Unfolding Interfaith Relationship

From The United States Memorial Holocaust Museum

The Holocaust confronted Christian leaders at the time and after 1945 with grave ethical and theological questions:

• How it was possible for 6 million Jews to be murdered by the citizens of a nation that was predominantly Christian?
• How did the Christian churches elsewhere in Europe and in the United States respond to the persecution and genocide of the Jews at the time?
• How have they dealt with the legacy of this history since the end of the war?
• How has the Holocaust affected Christian teachings?
• How have these questions been addressed within the interfaith Jewish-Christian relationship?

1933–1945

The Nazi rise to power in Germany was greeted by most Christians in Germany with optimism. They welcomed the new regime and particularly embraced its nationalism, and both the Catholic and Protestant churches there pursued a course of compromise and accommodation with the regime, particularly when conflicts arose over Nazi state interference with church programs. Among European ecumenical leaders, there were worries about the possible anti-Christian repercussions of a fascist ideology and fears of renewed German militarism under Nazism. In 1933 most European and US Christian leaders, however, took a "wait and see" attitude.

Throughout the Christian world, there was little condemnation of the most striking and ominous element of Nazi ideology: its virulent antisemitism and its threat to remove Jews from all aspects of German society. Indeed, many Christian leaders before and throughout the Nazi era cited Christian teachings as a justification for anti-Jewish rhetoric and policies.

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Make Jewish Behavior Contagious, Hire Jewish Babysitters

by Jane Larkin. This article has been reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily.com

One of the things I’ve learned about being a parent is that while my husband and I are our son’s primary role models and key influencers of the choices he makes, raising a child is a communal effort. Teachers, coaches, siblings, camp counselors, clergy, extended family, babysitters, and peers play a part in shaping who and what our child will become.

Cameron and I often talk about how fortunate we are to have found many excellent teachers and coaches for our son Sammy. Over the years, they have helped to nurture his love of learning, bolstered his confidence and self-image, and reinforced the values and behaviors that we work to instill at home.

But some of the most influential people in Sammy’s life are not the adults or family members he interacts with, or even his peers, but rather his teenage and young adult babysitters. For Sammy, our first and only child, these young people are like older siblings and the influence they exert on him is significant.

This isn’t surprising. Recent research has shown that older siblings are often more influential than parents. While many studies focus on how bad behavior by older siblings foreshadows similarly bad behavior by younger ones, findings also suggest that older siblings’ good behavior can be just as contagious.

We’re lucky, the kids – well kids to me – who sit for Sammy are mensches. A mensch has rectitude, dignity, and a sense of what is right. It is a person to admire and emulate. What makes this Yiddish word a fitting description of our sitters is that they also all happen to be Jewish.

The hiring of Jewish babysitters was coincidental. We were connected to them through friends, teachers, rabbis, and acquaintances at our synagogue. This access to teens and twenty-somethings with strong characters and a desire to earn a few dollars watching children has been a fringe benefit of temple membership.

Over the years our sitters have shown Sammy how to interact with adults and children in positive ways, be responsible, respectful, and goal- and achievement-oriented. They have nurtured his love of reading, architecture, and sports; and encouraged creativity and physical activity.

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When Our Kids Get Married

By S. Courtney Nathan. This article has been reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily.com

From the moment our children are born we spend the rest of our lives trying to protect them and make them happy. We try to teach them good values and give them skills to make healthy and wise decisions for their lives. We hope that when they become adults, we will send them out into the world prepared to take on anything. So why then is it so hard for some parents to let their children make decisions about something as wonderful as a wedding?

Most of us cannot choose a partner for our children much as we may want to. We must abide by their own selections and hope that they have given careful consideration to the matter of marriage. There are many things that parents worry about when their children decide to marry: Will he be happy? Will she be good to him? Will their differences cause trouble? Will the marriage last? How will they raise the children? We know that certain things are predictors of a happy marriage: similar background in education and socio-economic status, religion and parent's marital status. Yet none of these predictors can ensure a good marriage. What parents should hope for are kids who take relationships seriously, who value communication, honesty and trust and who love their partners.

Esther Perel once said, "Marriage is a public separation from family." This could not be more true. Many couples view the marriage ceremony as a way to assert their independence, to forge their own path. It is often the first time they have made religious compromises and choices as a unit. That can be a very positive learning experience for them. For parents, this can be a difficult time, one of letting go, grieving for their own youth and giving up their control in the family. No matter how excited a parent may be for his child finding a partner and making a new life, the transition involves inevitable loss as well.

The parental role is changed once children marry; not only do you have a son-in-law or daughter-in-law to consider, but his or her family as well. There may be competition for time spent with the couple, especially holiday time and particularly once grandchildren arrive.

Some parents are surprised at the sadness they feel when their children embark on true adulthood. Isn't this what they've worked so hard to accomplish? But any change involves loss, and when a child marries, life changes. It is the end of one chapter in life and the beginning of a new chapter. Many parents feel afraid of the changes that may take place in their relationships with their children. Will they see them as often? Will they talk to them as frequently? Will the new spouse always be around or will they get some private time together?

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