My New Girlfriend Is Way Too Enthusiastic About Judaism

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My Non-Jewish Partner is Too Enthusiastic About Judaism

Hi Seesaw. I am six months into a same-sex relationship with a woman and I can imagine settling down with this one. One issue though, and I know this sounds strange: she is a little too enthusiastic about Judaism. I am very happy that she is excited about my Jewish identity and raising our possible children Jewish, but it bothers me when she acts like she really “gets” being Jewish because she is a lesbian and therefore a minority who has suffered too. Not all outsider identities are the same and I feel like she cheapens Judaism by believing so. So, how do I make her feel welcome in my Jewish world while also helping her understand that she doesn’t totally get it?

I Think I’d Feel the Same

LAUREL SNYDER:
 This is so tricky, but I think I’d feel the same in this situation. Judaism is a complex identity/idea/history/culture, and what her immediate excitement suggests is that she doesn’t perceive the complexity. So my best advice is that you share it with her.

As you say, you don’t want to push her away. It’s wonderful that she’s willing to learn about your background, raise Jewish kids, etc. But Judaism isn’t just a minority status with candles and wine. Judaism can also be boring, exclusive, dogmatic, politically problematic, or violent. Loving Judaism means understanding all the layers of the onion. Loving despite, not just because.

When my husband and I married, I remember that he did some serious reading. He picked up a range of books, from As a Driven Leaf to the Alter translation of the Torah. That was great for me, because it showed me he was serious about understanding Judaism, and creating his own relationship to it, whether or not he ever converted. Over the years, we’ve watched Jewish movies together, visited museums, argued about Israel in the news, and struggled with how to answer our kids’ questions about faith/death/afterlife. It’s not always easy, but it’s honest.

I think that kind of dialogue has to be rooted in actual information. I think if your partner’s going to embrace your culture, she’ll need to embrace it warts and all. So I think books might be a great starting point for you guys. As well as a very Jewish tool.

Laurel Snyder is the author of books like “Bigger than a Bread Box” and “Baxter, the Pig Who Wanted To Be Kosher.” Find her online at laurelsnyder.com or on Twitter @laurelsnyder.