When Our Kids Get Married

By S. Courtney Nathan. This article has been reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily.com

From the moment our children are born we spend the rest of our lives trying to protect them and make them happy. We try to teach them good values and give them skills to make healthy and wise decisions for their lives. We hope that when they become adults, we will send them out into the world prepared to take on anything. So why then is it so hard for some parents to let their children make decisions about something as wonderful as a wedding?

Most of us cannot choose a partner for our children much as we may want to. We must abide by their own selections and hope that they have given careful consideration to the matter of marriage. There are many things that parents worry about when their children decide to marry: Will he be happy? Will she be good to him? Will their differences cause trouble? Will the marriage last? How will they raise the children? We know that certain things are predictors of a happy marriage: similar background in education and socio-economic status, religion and parent's marital status. Yet none of these predictors can ensure a good marriage. What parents should hope for are kids who take relationships seriously, who value communication, honesty and trust and who love their partners.

Esther Perel once said, "Marriage is a public separation from family." This could not be more true. Many couples view the marriage ceremony as a way to assert their independence, to forge their own path. It is often the first time they have made religious compromises and choices as a unit. That can be a very positive learning experience for them. For parents, this can be a difficult time, one of letting go, grieving for their own youth and giving up their control in the family. No matter how excited a parent may be for his child finding a partner and making a new life, the transition involves inevitable loss as well.

The parental role is changed once children marry; not only do you have a son-in-law or daughter-in-law to consider, but his or her family as well. There may be competition for time spent with the couple, especially holiday time and particularly once grandchildren arrive.

Some parents are surprised at the sadness they feel when their children embark on true adulthood. Isn't this what they've worked so hard to accomplish? But any change involves loss, and when a child marries, life changes. It is the end of one chapter in life and the beginning of a new chapter. Many parents feel afraid of the changes that may take place in their relationships with their children. Will they see them as often? Will they talk to them as frequently? Will the new spouse always be around or will they get some private time together?

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