Should I Tell My Son To Only Date Jews?

From The Seesaw on The Jewish Daily Forward

My Intermarriage Wasn’t Easy …

Almost 30 years ago I married a woman who converted to Judaism before our wedding. I have no regrets, but there were many struggles I didn’t anticipate along the way in terms of feeling like my home was truly a Jewish one. Recently my son, who is in his early 20s, has begun dating a non-Jewish woman. My instinct is to tell him that he should end things before long and really try to find a Jewish woman — he cares a lot about Judaism and may not understand what is truly at stake here. I know this is hypocritical, but as his father I feel it is my duty to share with him the wisdom I gained in my life. Do you think I should say something? — It could have been easier

His Story Will Be Different

SUSAN KATZ MILLER: In general, it is not particularly effective to tell someone else to end a relationship, even, or perhaps especially, when that person is your adult child. Your opposition is not going to dissuade your son, at least not without emotional repercussions. Rather, it could alienate him (from you, and from Judaism), not to mention the young woman in question. Also, keep in mind that even the children of converted Jewish parents come from interfaith families, in the sense that they have interfaith grandparents and extended family. And as children of interfaith families, we tend to react negatively when instructed that love cannot transcend religious boundaries, because we know that it can.

You could certainly have a heart-to-heart with your son about the challenges you have encountered in your own life, without crossing the line into the “normative” (what he should or should not do). I am sure he will take an interest in what you have gone through, as part of your shared family story. And he would probably benefit from listening to his mother’s perspective as well.

But also, consider the reality that in the 21st century, your son’s experiences will inevitably be very different from yours. You were married in an era when there was still very little support from family members, clergy or religious institutions for interfaith families. And this lack of support certainly made life harder for interfaith families. Today, there are many ways for interfaith families to engage with Judaism if they choose to do so, and many Jewish communities ready to welcome and support them, whether or not the partner or spouse converts.


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