Should I Tell My Parents About Non-Jewish Boyfriend?

by Rabbi Scott Perlo For The Seesaw from The Jewish Daily Forward

I fell for a non-Jewish guy during my first year of college

I am about to finish my freshman year at college during which I have started date, and perhaps have even fallen in love with, a non-Jewish guy. I really don’t think I will marry this guy, but for now I am pretty into him and have no plans to break it off. The question is, do I bother telling my rather traditional parents about this? I know it will upset them. Also, he is off to South America all summer so I won’t be sneaking around or anything. —Dating Out

There are Times When It’s Appropriate to Lie

SCOTT PERLO: It depends. It may sound strange for a rabbi to say this, but there are times when it’s appropriate to lie, especially by omission. Most of these instances are to protect another’s feelings or to preserve peace between two parties.

More than a century ago, the shining light of Baghdadi Jewry, the rabbi known as the Ben Ish Chai, was asked to explain exactly under what circumstances the Torah permits lying, and when we must tell the truth. He refused to answer; instead, he gave the questioner a list of all the examples of lying and truth-telling in the Talmud. The message was clear: there is no hard and fast rule. Each situation requires a unique judgment call.

If you were a few years younger, I would have said that there was no question that you should tell your parents. But you are an adult, and with that comes both the ability and responsibility for determining what you will share with your folks.

For a little market research, I called my own mom and asked her what she would have wanted had I been in your position. She claims that she would have wanted to me to tell her. Now, if that’s not Monday morning quarterbacking, I don’t know what is, but the way she explained it made me take notice. She said that my grandfather always took honesty, even the hard truths, as a measure of respect. He would have been more hurt had she not been straight with him than had she acted against his wishes. She feels the same way about me.

The point is that only you know your family, and you should do what will be best for your long-term relationship with your parents.

Your question isn’t really about interfaith relationships, but there is an important interfaith question to be asked. You say you may love this man. Even should the relationship end, if you think this will be the last time you have feelings for someone who’s not Jewish, think again. How will you approach seriously dating someone who is not Jewish?