Three Secrets to a Long-Lasting Marriage that the Relationship Books Don’t Tell You

My 14th wedding anniversary is this month. And now that I’m mere days away from passing the Seven Year Inch Deadline–twice over–I finally feel qualified to share the Three Relationship Tips No One Ever Tells You (or, to be honest, agrees with). But, I’m going to do it anyway. Because, like “Hooked on Phonics” says, “It worked for me!”

Tip #1: Never Compromise

My husband is a math teacher and an engineer by training. So he approaches all aspects of life like an engineer. And this is how he did the math: When you compromise, two people are left unhappy. When you don’t compromise, one person, at least, is happy. So how do we come to a final decision if compromise is off the table? At our house, the person who feels most strongly, wins.

To take a small example, my husband is obsessed with knives not being put in the kitchen sink with the rest of the dirty dishes. He is convinced that if that happens, he will stick his hand in the soapy water and instantly get sliced to ribbons, ala Jaws. I have been putting knives in sinks for close to decades now, and that has never, ever happened. I have never heard of it happening. I don’t think it will ever happen. And yet, because my husband is obsessed with the topic and treats us all to a lecture when his edict isn’t obeyed, I now leave our knives on the edge of the sink (where, for the record, I actually think they’re more dangerous. But, not as strongly as he believes otherwise).

To take a larger example, I believe it is important for our kids to learn to speak Russian and get a Jewish education. My husband isn't particularly passionate about either subject (and can easily play Devil’s Advocate for both). But, I am. So I win. The same metric applies to every issue in between. For the record, the person who doesn't get their way doesn't have to formally agree with the other. He or she is perfectly welcome to continue pointing out the flaws in the plan (and to deliver an “I told you so,” should said plan fail). But, they do have to go along, not interfere, and, if it concerns the kids, keep the grumbling limited to their spouse in private, in order to present a public united front.

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Interfaith Dialogue Troubled Even Before Israel Dispute

For Jews, Christians' Letter to Congress Was Last Straw

Frustrated by what he saw as hostility toward Israel, Rabbi Eric Greenberg recalled how a few years ago he presented Christian leaders in an interfaith dialogue with a study highlighting historic Jewish ties to the Holy Land.

Sitting across the table, one of the church leaders replied that, according to the prophets, the Jewish people sinned and lost their right to the land.
“And I thought, after all these years, what have they learned?” said Greenberg, director of interfaith affairs at the Anti-Defamation League, in a recent conversation with the Forward. “It was eye-opening.”

The back-and-forth illustrates the rocky path charted by the interfaith roundtable since it was launched eight years ago. The squabbles erupted into an open split after 15 mainline Protestant Church leaders wrote a letter to Congress on October 5, calling for an investigation into Israel’s use of American military aid.

Jewish organizations abruptly pulled out of an upcoming roundtable annual meeting after hearing about the letter to Congress.

Rabbi Steve Gutow, president and CEO of the Jewish Council for Public Affairs, said there is a need for a pause in the dialogue in order to reexamine how both sides can work together in the future.

“It is very difficult now to go into the room and breathe the same air,” said Gutow, one of the leading Jewish participants in the interfaith gatherings. He stressed that in any case there is importance in finding ways to continue interfaith dialogue.

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You Don't Have to Be Wrong for Me to Be Right

Finding Faith Without Fanaticism

by Brad Hirschfield

How can we create a world with less violence and division? Can we make room for other cultures and beliefs without negating our own? Is there a way to balance commitment and openness without sacrificing one to the other?

These and other critical questions are explored in a powerful new book, You Don't Have to Be Wrong for Me to Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism by Rabbi Brad Hirschfield (Harmony, January 2008). Addressing some of the key issues of our time, the book reveals how to be passionately committed to one's faith community while remaining open to other religious traditions. Drawing on his own experience as a former activist on the West Bank who saw first-hand what extremism can do, Rabbi Hirschfield examines our fears of the "other" with humor, insight, honesty, and thoughtfulness. Never dismissing another's beliefs or treating difference as a zero sum game, he appeals to the common wisdom found in all religions, offering hope and a new perspective to the American spiritual, social and political landscape.

Grappling with his own conflicts — as an Orthodox teenager growing up in a non-religious home, leading a prayer service at the Reichstag for Jews and non-Jews alike, going to Moscow as the only rabbi participant in a Muslim sponsored initiative, and many more — Rabbi Hirschfield presents diversity and inclusiveness in a new light. Using personal stories, Biblical texts, and other references, he asks us to stretch, leaving our preconceived notions and convictions at the door to make room for new foundations. With so much divisiveness in the world, You Don't Have to Be Wrong for Me to Be Right offers a concrete and accessible approach for mending fences among people.