One
of the things I’ve learned about being a parent is that while my
husband and I are our son’s primary role models and key influencers of
the choices he makes, raising a child is a communal effort. Teachers,
coaches, siblings, camp counselors, clergy, extended family,
babysitters, and peers play a part in shaping who and what our child
will become.Cameron and I often talk about how fortunate we are to have found many excellent teachers and coaches for our son Sammy. Over the years, they have helped to nurture his love of learning, bolstered his confidence and self-image, and reinforced the values and behaviors that we work to instill at home.
But some of the most influential people in Sammy’s life are not the adults or family members he interacts with, or even his peers, but rather his teenage and young adult babysitters. For Sammy, our first and only child, these young people are like older siblings and the influence they exert on him is significant.
This isn’t surprising. Recent research has shown that older siblings are often more influential than parents. While many studies focus on how bad behavior by older siblings foreshadows similarly bad behavior by younger ones, findings also suggest that older siblings’ good behavior can be just as contagious.
We’re lucky, the kids – well kids to me – who sit for Sammy are mensches. A mensch has rectitude, dignity, and a sense of what is right. It is a person to admire and emulate. What makes this Yiddish word a fitting description of our sitters is that they also all happen to be Jewish.
The hiring of Jewish babysitters was coincidental. We were connected to them through friends, teachers, rabbis, and acquaintances at our synagogue. This access to teens and twenty-somethings with strong characters and a desire to earn a few dollars watching children has been a fringe benefit of temple membership.
Over the years our sitters have shown Sammy how to interact with adults and children in positive ways, be responsible, respectful, and goal- and achievement-oriented. They have nurtured his love of reading, architecture, and sports; and encouraged creativity and physical activity.
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Almost
30 years ago I married a woman who converted to Judaism before our
wedding. I have no regrets, but there were many struggles I didn’t
anticipate along the way in terms of feeling like my home was truly a
Jewish one. Recently my son, who is in his early 20s, has begun dating a
non-Jewish woman. My instinct is to tell him that he should end things
before long and really try to find a Jewish woman — he cares a lot about
Judaism and may not understand what is truly at stake here. I know this
is hypocritical, but as his father I feel it is my duty to share with
him the wisdom I gained in my life. Do you think I should say something?
— It could have been easier
Scott
and I met as undergraduates at Stony Brook University. We were both
dating other people at the time but socialized in the same circle of
friends. After graduation we reconnected and he asked me out on a date.
When
deciding what religion we would raise our children, we struck a funny
bargain. It was never up for negotiation for Sarah not to raise Jewish
children, but Carl’s heritage mattered, too. As a proud Michigander,
Carl grew up with tons of ethnic and religious diversity. He consented
as a non-Jew to fully participate in raising Jewish children as long as: